High Hopes

How about having Indian expats on Mars? Stand-up comedian Appurv Gupta presents a hilarious story of the Sharmas, who happen to be the first family on the red planet

We Indians love travelling to distant places and there’s a reason why no place look  alien to us. Wherever we go our network follows. After converting places like Canada, UK, US, Australia and heaven to mini-India, a middle class Indian family, a die-hard fan of Vasco Da Gama had a quest to move to a place where Indians don’t exist. So after three years of research on Google Maps and Punjab roadways, they found a place some 401 million kms away. It’s Mars.

Some people say this decision was taken as the family was from Delhi (jaha literally boond boond se hi ghada bharta hai) and they had once heard a TV journalist claiming the existence of water on the red planet. They decided to start preparations on the day ISRO successfully launchedMangalYaan. Sharma Aunty, the head of the family, was quite nervous as no one from her maternal family had ever been to Mars. So she started dictating the list of items to carry to Sharma uncle.

Sharma Aunty: Write Tulsi ka podha, Ganga Jal, two packets Ghuijia, Saabudaane ka aata, bundle of newspapers, poodi and aam ka achaar, sweaters, bete Chintu ki schools books, mobile charger, khulle paise,All Out.

Sharma Uncle: Honey! All Out?

Sharma Aunty: Shut up and wrap those bathroom slippers in newspaper. Achha pata karo ye Mangalyaan me dip chai to ni dete hain?

After they finally reached Mars, it was initially difficult to adjust for the family. It was tough for Sharma uncle to travel on Mars as there was no traffic. So just to keep his irritating attitude up he has developed a split personality disorder and now he enjoys abusing himself. Sharma Aunty missed shopping and that romantic experience when Sharmaji used to wait outside the changing room for hours. So now she has made ‘Hide and Seek’ a mandatory game for the family. Their son Chintu was living a depressing life with no girlfriends, no fun and over ambitious parents so he gave up and now he is an engineer.

Now they are living a happy and prosperous life, they are planning to start ‘Sharma property dealers, Sales and Rent’ soon. Chintu is now a successful writer he wrote his best selling novel Two planets of my Life. Their entire family including mama, mausi, chacha has shifted to Mars. All this came into news when Sharda University received an invitation from Mars to sell the copyright of their tagline “The World is here where are you”.

Envy of their prosperity, ISIS is planning to conquer MARS which is basically first step of their plan to conquer Milky Way. In between a statement was passed by Bilawal Bhutto saying “we will take back Mars from this universe it belongs to Pakistan”. Another statement was passed from Pakistan saying “Take back Bilawal, we are sure he belongs to the third world”.

Inspired by this successful mission of ISRO Mangalyaan, Indian scientists have gained some confidence and now they look more confident in client discussions. Seeing this, China has developed special crackers for this Diwali, ‘Rockets that fly to Mars’. In between Rahul Gandhi stated the importance of women empowerment saying the credit goes to the women of this country because ‘Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars’.

Published on The Pioneer - 25/09/2014
Link : http://www.dailypioneer.com/vivacity/2014-09-24-62547.html

A message for AAP Supporters

Before you read this message just want to inform you that I don't support any political party.

Dear AAP Supporters,

Was reading your negative comments on BJP that they wont be able to do what they have promised.
May be you are right but don't you think its better to them give some time rather than just criticising them.

When Arvind Kejriwal came into power,you have one answer for all the questions - "Give us some time and see the result".Dont you think same logic applies for Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) and Narendra Modi too.

Also if everyone just focuses on negative points then who will see the positive work.

I think as an Indian we should accept the result and give some time to our new leaders and we should send them best wishes for future.

When we had given you mandate,you did your job and wisely choose to fight big battle.so now lets focus on positive points and wish that this govt. will be good for India.

If you feel that this govt. also wont be able to do justice and if you also think that "Is desh ka kuch nhi ho sakta siway AAP ke " then I personally wont be able to accept your view.

Lets hope and wish that this govt. will be good for India and every Indian.

Regards
Appurv Gupta

राहुल गांधी के भाषण लेखक ने आलोचनाओ के चलते की आत्म हत्या

देश में दिन प्रतिदिन राहुल गांधी तो आलोचनाओ को सुन ही रहे थे पर खबर आयी है उनके भाषणो की आलोचनाओ को उनका लेखक बर्दाश्त नही कर पाया और रविवार की रात को उसने  समाजवादी पार्टी द्वारा दिए गये लैपटॉप एवं खांग्रेस पार्टी द्वारा दिए गये आकाश टेबलेट को आग लगाई और खुद उसी आग में कूद गए.

कुछ दिन पहले हमारे संवादाता से बात करते समय उन्होंने बोला था कि मैं अब थक चुका हू ,एक तो आकाश का टच काम नही करता ,सरकारी स्कूल में पढ़ा फिर भी अंग्रेजी में भाषण लिख रहा हु ,एकाउंट्स का स्टूडेंट हु फिर भी एस्केप वेलोसिटी के ऊपर लिख रहा हु और लोग आलोचना करना बंद ही नही कर रहे हैं ।

उन्होंने अपनी आपबीती सुनाते  हुए बताया कि भाई लोगो को तो हम पे बस मजाक बनाना है। उनके बस आंसू ही आने वाले थे कि अचानक वो आकाश बंद हो गया  जिस में वो हमें अपने लेख दिखा रहे थे, इस पर वो और गुस्सा हो गये हैं कहते हैं मोहल्ले में बिजली आती नही, मेट्रो में आते समय बस इसको चार्ज करता था पर अब बटन के  साथ साथ बैटरी भी ढंग से काम नही कर रही हैं ,लोगो को लेख के पीछे की मेहनत तो दिखती नही बस  मजाक उड़ाना हैं।

इसी बीच वो लैपटॉप के बारे में भी बताना ना भूले,उन्होंने बताया कि इस लैपटॉप में रैम डाली ही नही गयी क्यों कि जिस पार्टी ने दिया  था वो अपने आप को धर्मनिर्पेक्ष दिखाना चाहते थे, उनका रैम में भी राम दिखता है। अपनी पीड़ा बताते  हुए उन्होंने आखिर समाज से पूछ ही लिया कि बिना रैम वाले लैपटॉप और बिना अच्छे टच की टेबलेट के पे कोई प्रतिदिन भाषण लिख के दिखाए तो माने।

उन्होंने अंग्रेजी में एक लाइन बोलते हुए कहा कि साहब Rahul Gandhi speech to intellectual is what daily soap to Indian Woman, Pure Entertainment और उन्ही बुद्धिजीवी व्यक्तिओं के मनोरंजन का शिकार मेरे  लिखे भाषण हो रहे हैं।

उन्होंने बुद्धिजीवी व्यक्तिओ का मजाक बनाते हुए कहा कि इन लोगो के लिए राहुल बाबा की स्पीच एक ड्रग का काम करती है जिस दिन नही  मिलता उस दिन इनको  नींद नहीं आती, उनकी स्पीच पे 2 – 4 ट्वीट ना करे इनको खाना हज़म नही होता। ये बोलते हुए उन्होंने हमारे संवाददाता को जाने को कहा और अगले दिन हमें उनके कमरे न वो मुफ्त में मिला बिना रैम का लैपटॉप मिला ,ना ही वो सरकारी आकाश टेबलेट।

Published on Faking News : 

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/21/rahul-ke-lekhak-ne-ki-atmhatya/

हॉस्टल में नहाने को लेके हुई लड़ाई, डीन बोला मैं भी 1 महीने से नही नहाया

इंजीनियरिंग कॉलेज में वैसे तो आजकल हर छोटी पर बात लड़ाई हो जाती है पर इस दिसंबर वाली ठण्ड में कोई नहाने के ऊपर लड़ाई करेगा ये तो किसी ने सोचा भी न था।

दिल्ली बॉर्डर से 15 किलोमीटर की दूरी पर घने जंगलो में बने “वर्ल्ड कलास इंजीनियरिंग कॉलेज “ में 3  दिन पहले 2  छात्रो के बीच नहाने को लेकर लड़ाई हो गई !चूँकि कॉलेज वर्ल्ड  कलास  था तो बच्चो ने वहाँ एडमिशन के समय ये चेक नही कि वहाँ पानी आता भी है या नही, नवंबर की शुरुआत से ही पानी की किल्लत हॉस्टल में शुरू  गई। शुरू में तो बच्चो को  भी अच्छा लगा कि ठण्ड के मौसम पानी न ही आये तो अच्छा है पर जब 2 हफ्ते गुजर गये तो मामला थोडा सीरियस होने लग गया।

कॉलेज ने भी मामले को तूल पकड़ता देख, जुगाड़ करके 15  दिन बाद अचानक  पानी शुरू कर दिया  तभी “यमुना” हॉस्टल के कमरा नंबर 302 में रहने वाले “बाबा” और उसके रूमी  “तरुण” के बीच लड़ाई हो गई।  दोनों  2 हफ्ते से नहाये नही थे । दोनों को नहाने की  जल्दी थी, बाबा ने पानी गरम होने के लिए बाल्टी में रॉड डाली और वो जरा बालकनी में नयन सुख प्राप्ति के लिए चला गया, 10 मिनट बाद आया तो देखा कमरे में ना उसका पानी है, ना ही उसका रूमी तरुण । बाबा से बदबू वैसे ही सहन नही हो रही थी ऊपर से ये धोका ,उससे रहा नही गया और उसने तरुण के बहार निकलते ही लड़ाई शुरू कर दी ! दोनों कि इस लड़ाई में काफ़ी खून बहा।

दोनों को डीन के पास भेजा गया ,डीन खुद 1 महीने से नही नहाया था। बाबा वैसे ही बदबू नही सहन कर पा रहा था ऊपर से डीन के कमरे में भी बदबू आ रही थी। चूँकि डीन पे गुस्सा नही उतर सकता था तो उसने वहाँ भी तरुण को और पेल दिया !

कॉलेज प्रशासन ने दोनों को नवंबर के महीने में नहाने के लिए दिखाए गये इस डेस्पेरेट रवैये को दोबारा न दोहराने का नोटिस दिया। डीन ने तो हमारे संवाददाता से बात करते हुए यहाँ तक कहा कि जब 1 महीने से मैं नही नहाया तो इतना बवाल मचाने और नहाने के ऊपर लड़ाई करने की क्या जरुरत थी। डीन ने दोनों स्टूडेंट को 1 महीने तक न नहाने और उसके बाद भी 15 दिन में सिर्फ एक बार नहाने के लिए बोला है।

हमारे रिपोर्टर ने जब बाबा और तरुण से बात करने की कोशिश कि तो पता चला कि दोनों तब डिओडरेंट लेने के लिए दिल्ली आ रखे थे। कुछ लोगो को मानना है कि वो दिल्ली नहाने के लिए गए हैं। उम्मीद है ऐसे हालात गर्मी के मौसम में देखने को नही मिलेंगे ।

Published on Faking News : 

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/18/hostel-mein-nahane-ko-leke-hui-ladai/

IIPM student gets Facebook profile of IIM student blocked

Ahmedabad. In another blocking incident related to IIPM, Facebook profile of an IIM Ahmedabad student has been blocked by the DoT following a court order based on complaints from an IIPM student.

Last night, when Rahul Sharma, a 2nd year MBA (not recognized by UGC) student of IIM-A, tried to log into his Facebook profile, it redirected him to a webpage saying “Dare to think beyond Facebook”.

After dozens of emails and phone calls to various authorities, Rahul came to know that the URL to his profile was blocked by the Indian ISPs because he was accused of “damaging the MBA culture in India” in a court case filed against him.

The case specifically mentioned to the incident where Rahul had ignored an online survey link sent to him by an IIPM student.

“If people start ignoring SurveyMonkey, Zoomerang, PollDaddy, etc. links, how can any MBA student get his market research done, and thus meet the requirements to get the degree?” the lawyer from Silchar, Assam representing the IIPM student explained.

On his part, Rahul claims that he had indeed clicked on the survey link, which is a religious duty of every MBA student across the world, but he found the survey senseless.

“The introduction of the survey form said it was related to standards of higher education in India. But most of the questions in the form were either related to IIPM or Arindam Chaudhuri. For example, there were questions like ‘Do you think Prof. Chaudhuri should change his hairstyle?’ and another question was like ‘Rate the photo of this lady IIPM professor’, and the only options given 9/10 or 10/10,” Rahul recalled.

He claimed that he ignored the whole survey form and replied to sender of mail that it was crap.

“I did get a reply from the creator of the survey saying I had hurt the sentiment of an IIPMian, and that I was acting out of malice because he dared to think beyond IIM i.e. my institute. But I didn’t know he’d go ahead and file a court case!” said a bewildered and shocked Rahul.

The incident has sent shockwaves not only among the IIM students, but every Facebook user.

“What next? Maybe we would be accused of ‘damaging the friendship culture in India’ if we ignore the friend request from an IIPM student?” wondered a Facebook user who didn’t want to be quoted lest his/her profile link was also blocked.

Published on Faking News : 

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/author/appurvgupta/

National Capital to be shifted from Delhi to Daulatabad to prevent further protests

New Delhi. In a major executive decision, the central government has decided to shift the national capital from New Delhi to Daulatabad in Maharashtra to prevent further protests by the local residents.

The decision was taken after the government realized that the Delhi residents were becoming too protest friendly – first joining the Anna movement and now assembling independently to protest against incidents like rape.

“Yes, similar attempt was made by Muhammad bin Tughlaq in 14^th century, but we are doing one thing differently,” informed Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde about the relocation of capital, “Tughlaq had ordered every resident of Delhi to relocate to Daulatabad, but we don’t want these guys. Let them stay back.”

As part of this relocation, locations like India Gate, Rahstrapati Bhavan, 7 RCR, Parliament building, etc. too would be moved to Daulatabad. In fact, latest reports suggest that India Gate has already been moved.

Sources say that when a crowd of protesters tried to reach India Gate in the late evening today, they were shocked to find a ‘Chaurasiya Banarasi Paan Bhandaar’ at that place.

When protesters enquired about the missing monument, they were told that India Gate had been transferred to Vaishno Devi due to environmental reasons, and all this happened within a couple of hours with the help of DLF.

While Arvind Kejriwal’s party claimed a scam as soon as they heard about DLF and went back to collect documental proofs, Baba Ramdev straightaway headed towards Vaishno Devi for further protests.

This left the original protesters, young students from Delhi, stranded at a paan shop. Delhi policemen were seen buying paan and gutkha (though banned by the government) from the shop even as the protesters claimed a conspiracy.

“It is a government conspiracy to kill this mass movement that was started by the real aam aadmi,” shouted a young protester, “They have made a mockery of this whole issue!”

Unconcerned with such conspiracy theories, the government is busy with relocation of the national capital. The Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has already packed his bags, while President Pranab Mukherjee has asked for some packing tips from his predecessor Pratibha Patil.

“The final decision will be taken by the high command,” a government source told Faking News when asked if “10 Janpath” too would be moved from Delhi to Daulatabad.

Published on Faking News : 

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/author/appurvgupta/

Gmail blocks use of “IIT” in usernames to remove discrimination

Mumbai. Responding to a long pending demand of Engineers’ Rights activists (a disputed subset of Human Rights activists), Gmail has decided to ban the use of ‘iit’ in its usernames as the practice was seen discriminatory towards non-IIT engineers of India.

“There is a huge population of non-IIT engineers in India, in fact, they are in majority and they are also quite talented. But their Gmail usernames causes other people to become judgmental,” Vikkas Kapoor, one of the activists explained the “discrimination” due to ‘iit’ in Gmail usernames, “People take it for granted that abc@gmail.com will be dumber than abc_iit@gmail.com!”

Vikkas claimed that last year a girl had accepted his chat request on Google Chat after he changed his username from cool_vikkas@gmail.com to vikkas.iitd@gmail.com.

“Such discriminations are being promoted by Google because they are allowing such characters in the username,” he complained.

While Google agreed that such problems exist, the search engine giant cited some other reasons too for their decision to ban ‘iit’ in usernames.

“Not just the IITs, the larger engineers’ community of India had started following the trend of using college names in their mail-id. This has led to creation of extra-long usernames because of the long and complicated names private engineering colleges. It was adding strain to our servers,” a Google official told Faking News.

“We believe that by barring the IITians, we might start a new trend where engineering college students start removing the name of their colleges in their Gmail usernames,” the official hoped.

The decision has got mixed response from different sections of the society. Majority of engineers and the Left parties have given it a thumbs up, calling it a giant step toward social equality.

However, it seems that Google’s move hasn’t been welcomed in their own backyard because of many IITians working in the company. Some market analyst even fear that Google may have to pay for this in their next recruitment drive at IIT campuses.

“I don’t think these are real issues of concern for Google. Leave aside the Gmail username, a guy will change his whole name to get that hefty pay package!” an analyst provided the counterview.

The decision by Google has also been mired in political controversy as a Congress leader alleged that Google was playing favoritism politics and was trying to gather the support of huge non-IIT population of country.

“IIT population was already poached by BJP or Team Anna and now the rest are being targeted by Google! There is a clear foreign hand behind it,” a Congress leader claimed as he requested Kapil Sibal to put more restriction on Google and the IITs.

Meanwhile Google has asked all Gmail users with ‘iit’ in their username to change their email ids as soon as possible, failing which the ‘iit’ in their email ids will automatically be replaced with ‘iipm’.

Published on Faking News : 

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/author/appurvgupta/